If The Mayan Prophecy Is True…


I predict the apocalypse will start with angry holiday shoppers. They’ll get sick of of standing in line. They’ll no longer have patience with other people. Before long, they’ll turn rabid and begin lunging at retail workers.

The poor employees will only have one desperate method of self-defense: their bar-code scanners. There’s a problem though; just as the retail uprising occurs, a massive solar storm will  wreak havoc upon the electronics. Massive amounts of solar radiation will shoot through the scanners and onto the masses.

Then the mutation will begin.

The holiday shoppers will grow, slowly at first, into huge, ten-foot-tall giants with poisonous tentacles. Yes, tentacles. Within seconds they’ll take out all the employees and begin crowding the streets. Cars will collide, fires will burn buildings.

Military tanks will be useless against these retail beasts. Bombs will be dropped, whole cities massacred in a fruitless effort to destroy the mutants. Those who do survive will tell stories by a primitive fire of a time when terrible giants caused the death of millions. They’ll reminiscence of ancient, long-lost civilizations with great structures and mighty flying machines.

Clearly I work in retail and just finished a horrific 8-hour shift.

10 responses to “If The Mayan Prophecy Is True…”

  1. Strangely, this made me think of the tentacles in Japanese folklore, and it only went smuttier from there. Thankfully, at the hotel where I work, the front desk agents are armed with bar code scanners too, but not enough for everyone. Survival of the fittest, hospitality edition.

    • He made a brief appearance in Japan but was taken out when he stumbled between two grievously enlarged housewives fighting over a 32′ flat screen. It wasn’t pretty.

      Awesome link by the way!

      • well, you do know that end of the world theories are already brewing after the Mayan “swing and a miss” right? I think that as long as there are conmen and fools the cycle will never end. The holiday shoppers idea was a good one though and I could have sworn that a few people wanted the world to end when they did not get their silly little hands on the next WiiU. A nuclear holocaust is nothing compared to an angry spoiled child :p

        PS I love the way you write

      • Haha I’m so not surprised the theorists are creating more imaginary havoc. Though I have to admit I was secretly hoping to meet some aliens last week 🙂

        Yes, I did harbor some fears regarding a Christmas apocalypse. Those children (and adults in some cases) really can get dangerous 😉

        And thank you for the compliment! Do you have a blog on here?

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